It was my husbands birthday yesterday. We have been married 10 years and if I am being honest, the last few years have been hard. In ourselves we are good but life moving around us has pushed its pressures and agendas and it makes it feel like a slog sometimes. He finally got his ADHD diagnosis last year after many years of struggling and wondering why everyone else seemed to be coping just fine with adult life. Once children came along I could no longer sustain managing the household and diary without needing him to take some of the mental load and the ADHD became increasingly obvious.
Birthdays are tricky. On the one one hand I feel excited. He has the chance to be celebrated and seen and valued in a way normal life doesn't give time for. It gives us all a chance to build happy memories and have fun. To pause from the daily routine.
On the other I feel a nugget of bitterness. He forgets my birthday or doing surprise things for me. I carry so much so often for our household which he cannot. I say this not because I think it is necessarily true but because in the interests of being an honest spouse of a husband with ADHD, I think it would have been a relief to me to read that others have these intrusive thoughts too.
I pick myself up and reframe. I married a really, deeply good man. Honest and caring, loyal and kind. His heart is inspiring. Living in a world which doesn't understand ADHD has not made him resentful but empathetic, generous and resilient. People often see me doing the planning, organising and covering for his executive function. They don't see the evenings I collapse out of exhaustion and he rocks me while I cry or washes my hair when I am too tired. They don't see the late night runs to the shop or the meals cooked for me when I've had to work late. They don't see me feeling anxious and his hand holding. The little daily acts of love which are within his capacity to give. He works hard for our family in the best ways he can and never gives up. When I look away from the world and at the individual I am so in awe.
The comparison game is for fools. Grand gestures and wealthy displays of affection look nice. Having birthdays remembered and presents bought are nice. But they are just that. Nice.
Of course my husband, in his incredibly wise way, recognised this a long time ago. Gifts are not that important. They give a little hint of love but nothing compared to the discipline and resilience of showing up day after day. He never expects anything and is always happily surprised anyone gets him anything. It is genuine. When I see my thoughts in the cold light of day and process them I see my privilege. How lucky to celebrate my husband and the amazing human he is. He shows the world a different way of being and while it doesn't make life easy it is worth it.
I smile as he opens the presents we bought. He is watching our daughters faces and smiling as they enjoy the anticipation too. He laughs as they giggle at his unwrapped thermal underwear. Later he looks with love around the family as he blows out the candles on the cake. He smiles later and tells me how happy his day has been seeing everyone. He is absolutely right. Its not about the gifts but the people.
I know it in my head but these pesky subconscious thoughts still have so much to learn.
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